Saturday, January 30, 2010

One Year - Devin Daniels Brown

I’ll never forget this week and how it changed my life and just one year ago today!

Jan. 28th, Wednesday. Week 35 of our pregnancy.

That evening I experienced the first of a motioning as if my body was moving up and down. It was brief, but sudden. I was concerned and Chris was at my side! I went straight to our bedroom and made a phone call to my Mother inlaw who instructed me to call my Doctor. I did and spoke to the Doctor on call, explaining what I had felt only to be told I need to take it easy and elevate my feet. I was quick to accept everything was normal and not second guess, despite what I felt deep down inside. Chris soon had a meeting at school that night and needed to leave. We arranged my younger sister to come over and keep me company. Once Chris left I decided to leave the bedroom and spend time in the family room. I remember instantly feeling a deep emptiness, for the first time in so long I felt completely alone!! I felt worried not that something was wrong, but this feeling of loneliness would exist once I was a stay at home Mom with our son. I didn't understand what I was feeling was something I was literally experiencing!

Thursday morning Jan. 29th, after feeling a brief motioning come over me again, I knew I needed to get checked and didn’t prolong it. I asked my sister to drive me since Chris was at school, I wish my husband was with me, but I felt confident after past appointments leading up to this moment being told his heartbeat, the ultrasound and measuring was all perfect and expected everything would be fine.

The appointment consisted of checking my blood pressure and the nurse instructed me to take the day off, I walked out and got as far as the door to only stop, this time It wasn’t me, I felt completely overcome by the spirit and was turned around in my steps! I didn’t know what I was doing, there wasn’t time to think, but I walked straight back to the nurse and asked to be checked. I know that I was prompted every moment of that day!

The afternoon quickly became a nightmare and continued into the next day.Our life changed before our eyes! Just weeks shy of his due date, our glow that came from expecting was quickly diminished! We didn’t suspect, plan or prepare for this; our life literally became gray!

Friday Jan. 30th I delivered our sweet little boy! Our first and only son was no longer with us! I cared for him, loved him, did all I could do with him in mind and the best intentions, but life stood still that day empty of his life!!!

I never imagined my family to begin like this! The pain we have to face daily knowing our baby isn't with us will always continue throughout our life. Some days It hurts more then others, some moments I need my husbands countless hugs to help me move forward! Words can not emphasize such an experiences as losing a child!

Our eyes could hardly focus from tears that filled the hours and days of unbelief! Cord complications stopped us short of our dream!

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

How true this scripture is! Amongst the sadness, we were constantly administered by heavens angles! We felt are parents who had passed constantly at our side and others who love us blessed us daily!! I don't know if we're aware before this life the struggles we would face, but our brave little boy to lead the way has given us strength to be as he is and to return to him someday!!

My mind wanders if things were different, If I had delivered 3 days earlier, his healthy cry we might of heard..... I am constantly redirecting my emotions to know our Heavenly Father was in control! He was aware we would endure our sons loss with faith. As impossible as it may seem, He knew the Savior would be our corner stone of our home! What a loving Father in Heaven we have to be so mindful of our needs to know we would love our son even if his life was shorten, He knew we would not be angry and all the tears would bring us to our knees in thanks!! He knew of the love we have would grow and strengthen our family! We are being prepared for the eternities and receiving blessings from on high to enter our life daily!

We are so fortunate to have been trusted with such a pure spirit that needn’t be tested! Even at our lowest and loneliest of times we were constantly being strengthened to rise to our potential! Our Heavenly Father knew us better then we knew ourselves! I know of His love He has for me, my husband and our sweet boy and his little sister on the way! We would not be where we are today without the Gospel in our lives! I am reminded of those who have lived before me and perhaps for a glimpse, I felt as my Father in Heaven might of with having our Savior placed on this earth, how he must of missed Him, but how rewarding and grateful I am for the Atonement!

Words such as these bring peace to mind.

One is not only to endure, but to endure well and gracefully those things which the Lord "seeth fit to inflict upon [us]" (Mosiah 3:19).

Patience permits us to cling to our faith in the Lord when we are tossed about by suffering as if by surf. When the undertow grasps us, we will realize that even as we tumble we are somehow being carried forward; we are actually being helped even as we cry for help.
Patience, Nov. 27, 1979, Elder Neal A. Maxwell

Its hard to believe 12 months have passed and soon years will follow, but no matter the countless nights of utter disbelief, we know He is near!

I am inspired by PSALMS 145

'Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praise'

Our memories remain our most scared possessions! We are honored to be Devins parents! We miss and love our sweet boy so much!!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Wk 34!

Week 34 is here! Friday Jan. 23rd I had my routine exam. Everything looks well; I'm right where I should be with size and putting on the lbs. However one shocker was our due date is March 9th and how we got March 6th at the beginning was a rough estimate? I wouldn't mind the 9th since it's my Grandma Culotta's birthday and what a wonderful person to share the date with!

Baby boy Brown was a bit stubborn letting us hear his heartbeat, but no worries, between all the moving and stretching he does, I wasn't concerned and sure enough the Doc found it!

Other then that my days are narrowing down at the dental office. My feet resemble plums by the end of each day, leaving me incredibly excited for my last day.... Scheduled Feb 12th 2009!

As for the weekend we were dumped with snow and unfortunately the same this morning. It's a bit difficult to go anywhere, I resemble an elderly person when I walk, with every tiny step I give my best efforts to avoid slipping. Since the Doc. said if I fall again I'd need to be monitored for 4hrs at the hospital and since I've already experienced falling 3 times I rather not relive those unfortunate moments.

Meanwhile I have baby shower this Sat. in Ogden I'm looking forward to and the following in Provo! So much to look forward to, just gathering with friends and family at both will be good times to come!! Other then that I'll try to update some photos later this week or of the shower itself!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Baby Shower - WK 33

Baby Showers are in the making.

For a second there I got completely nervous since I didn't hear any plans being made. I hope that doesn't sound greedy, but since you only have your first once, I was hoping for a shower. Since friends and family have briefly mentioned the idea, nothing was ever set in stone. So I figured with 7wks left, I better be prepared so just incase someone is up for the challenge I'll have addresses to give them. Being organized seemed to ruin the suprise party that was being planned and as soon as Tiffany and Mallory got word that I was arranging addresses they figured they'd tell me. How lame am I. I'm incredibly sad I messed up plans.

Anyways, I'm incredibly grateful for my 2 sisters for taking on the task as well as many of my cousins! There's also another one being planned in Ogden area by my sister inlaws for family and friends in that area. Between the both, everything sounds completely wonderful!

Other then that week 33 is in full swing and all is going well! I'll try to update again soon, but that does it for this entry!

Monday, January 12, 2009

WEEK 32!

Last Friday I had my monthly appointment that will now be every 2weeks. My pregnancy seems to be going as it should, I'm 2cm off, but nothing to worry over. I have a feeling it's from the cold I had and the lack of nutrition, especially since my latest crave has been a very simple Campbell’s soup!

Meanwhile, I'm feeling rather left out with activities to do, no skiing, snowmobiling, snow-man making, hiking and most especially.. skating. I'm finding out the hard way that standing doesn't come naturally. Rather during my free time you can find me watching movies, eating and doing some reading. I feel like the epitome of laziness, but it's all for a good cause!

We can hardly wait for 7wks to get here!! To have and to hold!!! We love our little baby boy Brown so much!

Other then that the name game has been on our mind and it's driving us crazy. I have 2 books, one has over 60,000 names and other has just as many. You think we'd be able to find the right name, but it's rather intimidating to know what we'll name him is something he'll go by for THE REST OF HIS LIFE! No pressure of course. We're leaning toward Devin and possibly Quincy as the middle name. Our goal is to have at least 2 - 3 picked out by our due date!

For those of you who are brilliant at this sort of thing and perhaps even had experience, be sure to share your talent with us and we'll be happy to consider all options!!

Monday, January 5, 2009


Baby Boy Brown seems to be as excited as we are for March 6th! We can't believe how much he pokes out, day or night, he'll stretch as he wishes. Anytime I feel a need to complain I think of those before me who have experienced it amongst some of the worst conditions. So as the weeks narrow down and my back starts to feel the load and lacking sleep, life is still very good! The comforts of being home helps, taking a bath, eating as I wish... These are a few of my fav. things!

6 weeks left of work then I can stay off my feet and help my diet of no sugars help me get ready for our Baby Boys arrival. (My Mother-in-law told me if you eat less sugar products a week before your due date, the contractions will be less strong, rather if you don’t the first can be as strong as the last) It helps having her close by and always a phone call away to answer my questions, as a registered nurse and Mother of 12!

Christmas was wonderful and my Mother-in-law surprised me with a beautiful rocker I had my eye on! My sister and her family gave us a baby swing for the nursery along with many goodies that will come in handy. As for my wonderful husband... He gave me a video camera so memories can be recorded of our new little family!

Other then that the name game has been on our minds and hopefully within the next couple weeks we'll have 2 for sure names to pick from!!! Any ideas let us know?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Nothing but a weakling!

Yesterday evening didn't end up as I wished. I found myself amongst the royal porcelain thrown, despite I've avoided it at all causes during this pregnancy. It marks the 4th time in 6months and hopefully the last. I felt fine afterwards, just incredibly weak and lacked motivation to do anything with such a low energy level. The same has continued through today and I don't mind it just so long our Baby Boy Brown is healthy!

Other then that, I mentioned a couple weeks back I found a great deal for a Coach Diaper Bag/Multi Tote purse. ( price-range of $30) I came home during lunch and found it at our door step!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Glucose TEST!!!

I had to take the glucose test yesterday! I made sure it was first thing in the morning to get it over with, but now I'm hesitant if I did the right thing. It said to gulp down in 10mins. I did it in less then 2mins. I didn't want to linger it any longer. It tasted similar to orange-soda and off we went to have me tested. Shots aren't fun, but I wont complain after all my Mom went through. I'm measured right on the dot and the Doc. kindly complemented my perfect pregnancy or rather being right where I should be on track..I'm just grateful we're both healthy!

I went to work right after and found myself suddenly getting sick to my stomach! It wasn't consistent, but came as it wishes. I got off around 4:30 feeling well, picked Chris up at school and headed to SLC to shadow a court-case he needed for his final in Construction Law. Half ways there I got so sick again and it didn't leave me this time. So much for our plans to see the lights and eat out. We made it home around 7:30. I fell asleep and was woken to home made noodle soup by 9:00! I love my husband!

This morning I woke up feeling better. I guess the point of this random entry is although the glucose test wasn't terrible, the worst is getting it completely washed out of my system.

Note: My pregnancy been great so when surprising moments fall along the road, It completely catches me off guard. Every bit worth the feeling of my Baby Boy Brown kicking and actively moving! We can't wait to hold him and this morning Chris had the opportunity to put his ear close and hear his heartbeat! Best wishes toward week 28!!