I’ll never forget this week and how it changed my life and just one year ago today!
Jan. 28th, Wednesday. Week 35 of our pregnancy.
That evening I experienced the first of a motioning as if my body was moving up and down. It was brief, but sudden. I was concerned and Chris was at my side! I went straight to our bedroom and made a phone call to my Mother inlaw who instructed me to call my Doctor. I did and spoke to the Doctor on call, explaining what I had felt only to be told I need to take it easy and elevate my feet. I was quick to accept everything was normal and not second guess, despite what I felt deep down inside. Chris soon had a meeting at school that night and needed to leave. We arranged my younger sister to come over and keep me company. Once Chris left I decided to leave the bedroom and spend time in the family room. I remember instantly feeling a deep emptiness, for the first time in so long I felt completely alone!! I felt worried not that something was wrong, but this feeling of loneliness would exist once I was a stay at home Mom with our son. I didn't understand what I was feeling was something I was literally experiencing!
Thursday morning Jan. 29th, after feeling a brief motioning come over me again, I knew I needed to get checked and didn’t prolong it. I asked my sister to drive me since Chris was at school, I wish my husband was with me, but I felt confident after past appointments leading up to this moment being told his heartbeat, the ultrasound and measuring was all perfect and expected everything would be fine.
The appointment consisted of checking my blood pressure and the nurse instructed me to take the day off, I walked out and got as far as the door to only stop, this time It wasn’t me, I felt completely overcome by the spirit and was turned around in my steps! I didn’t know what I was doing, there wasn’t time to think, but I walked straight back to the nurse and asked to be checked. I know that I was prompted every moment of that day!
The afternoon quickly became a nightmare and continued into the next day.Our life changed before our eyes! Just weeks shy of his due date, our glow that came from expecting was quickly diminished! We didn’t suspect, plan or prepare for this; our life literally became gray!
Friday Jan. 30th I delivered our sweet little boy!
Jan. 30th I delivered our sweet little boy!Our first and only son was no longer with us! I cared for him, loved him, did all I could do with him in mind and the best intentions, but life stood still that day empty of his life!!!
I never imagined my family to begin like this! The pain we have to face daily knowing our baby isn't with us will always continue throughout our life. Some days It hurts more then others, some moments I need my husbands countless hugs to help me move forward! Words can not emphasize such an experiences as losing a child!
Our eyes could hardly focus from tears that filled the hours and days of unbelief! Cord complications stopped us short of our dream!
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
How true this scripture is! Amongst the sadness, we were constantly administered by heavens angles! We felt are parents who had passed constantly at our side and others who love us blessed us daily!! I don't know if we're aware before this life the struggles we would face, but our brave little boy to lead the way has given us strength to be as he is and to return to him someday!!
My mind wanders if things were different, If I had delivered 3 days earlier, his healthy cry we might of heard..... I am constantly redirecting my emotions to know our Heavenly Father was in control! He was aware we would endure our sons loss with faith. As impossible as it may seem, He knew the Savior would be our corner stone of our home! What a loving Father in Heaven we have to be so mindful of our needs to know we would love our son even if his life was shorten, He knew we would not be angry and all the tears would bring us to our knees in thanks!! He knew of the love we have would grow and strengthen our family! We are being prepared for the eternities and receiving blessings from on high to enter our life daily!
We are so fortunate to have been trusted with such a pure spirit that needn’t be tested! Even at our lowest and loneliest of times we were constantly being strengthened to rise to our potential! Our Heavenly Father knew us better then we knew ourselves! I know of His love He has for me, my husband and our sweet boy and his little sister on the way! We would not be where we are today without the Gospel in our lives! I am reminded of those who have lived before me and perhaps for a glimpse, I felt as my Father in Heaven might of with having our Savior placed on this earth, how he must of missed Him, but how rewarding and grateful I am for the Atonement!
Words such as these bring peace to mind.
One is not only to endure, but to endure well and gracefully those things which the Lord "seeth fit to inflict upon [us]" (Mosiah 3:19).
Patience permits us to cling to our faith in the Lord when we are tossed about by suffering as if by surf. When the undertow grasps us, we will realize that even as we tumble we are somehow being carried forward; we are actually being helped even as we cry for help.
Patience, Nov. 27, 1979, Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Its hard to believe 12 months have passed and soon years will follow, but no matter the countless nights of utter disbelief, we know He is near!
I am inspired by PSALMS 145
'Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praise'
Our memories remain our most scared possessions! We are honored to be Devins parents! We miss and love our sweet boy so much!!!